Glad We Talked®

What is masking? The hidden cost of fitting in, and why unmasking is a choice

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If you only have a minute: masking is hiding or changing parts of yourself to fit in or feel safe. It can protect you, and it can also cost a lot of energy. You don’t have to stop. Unmasking can be selective: choosing what feels possible, with whom, and when.

Have you ever smiled and said “I’m fine” all day, then got home with nothing left? Or rehearsed a phone call three times before making it? Or held your body still in a meeting when everything in you wanted to move?

You might recognise that. Or you might see it in your child, who holds it together at school and falls apart at the door.

This post is part of our How I’m Wired series. It looks at what masking is, why it makes sense, what it can cost, and why nobody should be told to “just be yourself”.

What is masking?

Masking is hiding or changing parts of yourself to meet expectations or avoid negative reactions. It can include hiding discomfort, holding back natural movements, or carefully managing your expression and tone.

Researchers often call it camouflaging. Psychologist Laura Hull and colleagues describe three parts to it:

  • Masking: hiding things, like stimming or how overwhelmed you feel.
  • Compensation: working around difficulties with learned strategies, like scripts or copying how others behave.
  • Assimilation: trying to blend in so you don’t stand out.

Most of the research is with autistic people. But people with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, mental health difficulties and many others describe it too. Lots of us adjust how we come across. What differs is how much, how often, and what it costs.

Why do people mask?

Because it works, at least in the moment.

When researchers asked autistic adults why they camouflage, one woman answered that she mostly wanted to avoid the bullying. Others described getting through education, holding down a job, or making friends.

Masking can help someone protect their privacy, avoid negative attention, or get through a setting where they don’t feel safe enough to show more of themselves. Seen that way, it isn’t dishonesty. It’s a reasonable response to a world that hasn’t always been kind about difference.

That matters, because the problem doesn’t sit only with the person masking. As researcher Will Mandy puts it, the difficulties come from a misfit between a person and their environment. Trying to fix that only by changing the person misses half the picture.

Is masking bad for you?

It can be, but the picture isn’t simple.

In interviews, autistic adults describe masking as physically and mentally exhausting. A study of 262 autistic adults by Eilidh Cage and Zoe Troxell-Whitman found that people who masked heavily everywhere had poorer mental health. So did people who switched between masking in some places and not others. Dora Raymaker’s research on autistic burnout also names masking as one of the pressures that can build towards it.

Now the other perspectives:

  • We don’t know that masking causes the harm. Most studies show a link, not a cause. It may be that people who are already struggling, or in harsher environments, mask more. A 2025 study by the same team followed autistic adults for about two years. Masking was linked with mental health difficulties at the start, but it didn’t predict them getting worse over time.
  • It isn’t the same for everyone. A 2024 study of 352 autistic adults by Wikke van der Putten and colleagues found the link with mental health was moderate overall, but strong only for a small group. They warn against assuming masking harms every autistic person.
  • It has benefits. People describe it helping them reach goals that mattered to them.

So a fairer answer is: masking has a cost, the cost varies, and for some people in some places it’s still worth paying.

Why am I so tired after being around people?

Someone can look socially comfortable while working very hard to meet expectations.

In Glad We Talked®, we use energy maths: comparing what a situation asks of us with what we have available to manage it, including energy, attention, time, recovery, resources and support. Masking is part of that sum, and it’s often invisible. Watching your face, your tone, your hands, the other person’s reactions, and the conversation itself, all at once, uses energy that nobody else sees.

By the time you get home, there may be less left for conversation.

A gentle caution, though. Not every quiet evening, flat voice or difficult moment is masking fatigue. It’s one possible explanation. We still need to understand the person’s experience, including our own.

Is using a script the same as masking?

Not automatically.

Memorised phrases or social scripts can be a useful communication aid. A script you choose, because it makes a phone call or an appointment easier, is a tool.

What matters is whether it helps, whether you feel pressured to use it, and what it costs you.

How do I stop masking safely?

You don’t have to stop. And nobody should demand it of you.

Unmasking can be selective and situational: choosing what feels possible, with whom, and when. Some places aren’t safe enough yet, and that’s a judgement you’re allowed to make.

If you’d like to try, it might help to start small:

  • Notice first. Where do you mask most? Where least? What does each cost?
  • Pick one person or place that already feels safer.
  • Try one small thing. Looking away while you listen. Moving while you talk. Saying “I need a minute to think.”
  • Plan recovery. If a day asks for a lot of masking, what could come off your list afterwards?

We can use our three prompts here too:

  1. What is actually happening?
  2. What might be contributing? In other words, what could be making this moment harder?
  3. What could help?

Recognising one thing, even afterwards, is enough to begin.

How can I support someone who masks?

Telling someone to “just be yourself” isn’t enough. Building trustworthy alternatives takes more than that. It means showing, consistently, that looking away, moving, or communicating differently will be accepted.

A few things that can help:

  • Make eye contact optional.
  • Walk, draw or do something alongside each other while you talk.
  • Offer room and support without asking someone to prove trust by revealing more of themselves.
  • Ask what helps, and believe the answer.

The responsibility shouldn’t rest entirely on the person doing the masking. Our part is working towards homes, schools and workplaces where hiding differences is less necessary.

If masking has left you exhausted for a long time, or you’re feeling hopeless, please reach out. In the UK you can call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time. Our crisis support page lists more free helplines.

How this connects to How I’m Wired

Masking is one of 10 sections in How I’m Wired, our free strengths and needs reflection tool for adults. It looks at how much you hide or change yourself to fit in or feel safe. It isn’t a diagnosis, and there are no right or wrong answers.

How much you mask can change with what’s going on in your life. We look at why in Why can I cope one week and not the next? Masking also sits close to people pleasing, which we explore in Why is it so hard to speak up for myself?

If you’d like a gentler way in, or something to explore with a young person, our Neurosloth® trait cards include Masking, Choice Masking and Peopled Out. We always suggest adults explore the cards for themselves first.

Try this section of How I’m Wired for free

Frequently asked questions

What is masking?

Masking is hiding or changing parts of yourself, such as movements, expressions or discomfort, to meet expectations or avoid negative reactions. Researchers also call it camouflaging.

Is masking only an autistic thing?

No. Most research is with autistic people, but people with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia and others describe masking too.

Is masking bad for your mental health?

Research links heavy masking with exhaustion, anxiety and depression, but it hasn’t shown that masking is the cause, and the effect differs between people.

Should I stop masking?

Only if and where you want to. Unmasking can be selective: choosing what feels possible, with whom, and when.

Why does my child hold it together at school and fall apart at home?

One possible reason is the effort of masking all day. It isn’t the only explanation, so it’s worth gently finding out what the day was like for them.

Sources

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About the author

: Creative Health Innovator & Artist Practitioner, Trainer and Educator, BACP Accredited Counsellor and founder of Glad We Talked®.

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